Home English homework help.
- Avoid first person pronouns (our, we, us) because the research paper is a formal academic paper and requires their removal. The tone should not be conversational.
- There is a big problem in your introduction. You lack a clear THESIS. First, do not end an introduction with a quote. Overall, quotes from a reading are not used in the introduction because it should be kept general. You can be more specific with quotes in the body paragraphs. Also, the problem right now is that the introduction seems to be pro-technology, but when I read the first body paragraph, you seem to be showing the problem, the loss of privacy. So I do not know where you stand on this issue. What exactly is your opinion? What will you be proving in this paper? You show both the positives and the negatives in the same paragraph and that is very confusing to your reader.
- You have a body paragraph that starts with a quote. Do not do this. Paragraphs need to begin with a TOPIC SENTENCE. State what the main point of the paragraph is with your own words.
- In that same paragraph (it is your third paragraph) you have a last sentence that says “This paper will focus on discussing whether or not people consider technological advances worth the loss of privacy.” Is this supposed to be your thesis? Remember that a thesis has to express your opinion and this does not tell me exactly where you stand on the issue. Also, it should not take you three paragraphs to get to the thesis – you should state your opinion in paragraph #1, your introduction.
Remember The Topic is: To specify, you are asserting whether technological advances are worth the privacy loss to people or not. The key is to take a side, let the reader know which side you are on from the beginning (the introduction), and then spend the rest of the essay giving your reasons why you feel the way you do.
Other than those issues, I see good use of transitions, good quote integration, and a good push for idea development.
